Shane’s Story

Surprisingly, having a lack of sexual attraction was never much of an issue for me, in fact I think most people I knew seemed to assume I was gay, and that didn’t really bother me at all. I just wanted an easy life, so I never spoke much about it, someone admitted to me once that they noticed I didn’t like talking about girls and took that as a sign that I was either interested in guys, or just not interested at all.

Hearing or reading about sex didn’t help, it formed a horrific image in my head of a situation I never wanted to encounter, it actually pushed me to become sex repulsed. During a difficult part of my life, I escaped for a month to a really peaceful area a few hours north of my home town in New Zealand, and there I started to dissect and analyse myself. The lack of sexual attraction and no desire to form a bond with anyone got me curious, and it was then I started to look up online for others who might be experiencing this as well, that was when I found the term ‘asexual’! This wasn’t so much of a ‘hallelujah’ moment for me though, I already knew I was that way, I just didn’t know what to call it.

From then on in I happily identified as asexual and was open about it if anyone asked, there was only one time did I become extremely confused, and that was all thanks to Tasha. We had been friends for a while, and I knew I cared for Tasha, but I had never been in love before, so feeling it for the first time freaked me out! I was concerned for a few different reasons, firstly – I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, secondly – did Tasha feel the same way, and thirdly – sexy time…

Though we both identified as asexual, I was terrified that the possible pressure of sex might ruin the whole thing all together. I’d never even considered having a partner before, so I didn’t know how this would work out. It was thanks to Tasha and their understanding, patience and reassurance that sex wasn’t needed which helped me to feel confident enough that our relationship was worth a shot!

It had always been something I was worried about if I did end up in a relationship, considering that only 1% of the world population identifies as asexual,  my chances of finding another person who felt the way I did seemed extremely low! Yet here we are, from opposites side of the world, yea…We are still in disbelief that we somehow managed it!

 

 

Tasha’s Story

I wish that my experience with sexuality had been as easy as it was with Shane, but unfortunately it had always been a confusing subject for me. When I reached puberty I found myself being left behind, I was physically a slow developer, so I was often teased for my lack of hips or breasts by the other girls, and mocked for not showing interest in the opposite gender. My self-confidence plummeted so much that I tried my hardest to imitate my female friends, from looks to language and how they seemed to experience sexual attraction, and this continued for well over a decade.

I was singled out for not having an interest in relationships and teased for being a virgin. I felt pressured into proving myself, to show that I  could be an attractive young female, and that made me feel even more worthless. The real catch here was that I was happy being single, in fact I loved my own company, but it was others who tried setting me up with guys, or reminding me that I was the only single friend that added unwanted pressure to how I wasn’t like ‘everyone else’.

What confused me even more about all of this was that, even though I wasn’t sexually attracted to people, I have fallen for them. I’ve been in love, I’ve had squishes, and this wasn’t just for the opposite sex. I’ve really, REALLY fallen for girls and non-binaries, but at the time I thought I must just admire the heck out of them because I didn’t want to jump into bed with them. Now looking back knowing I’m asexual it makes so much more sense to me! I wish someone back then could have told me it was OK to be in a relationship without having sex because that would have saved me a lot of upset after being riddled with the thought that there was something wrong with me.

Being in this relationship with Shane, having the opportunity to explore what it is like to not feel the pressures to perform has been amazing, and something I will always value. I do feel upset that in the past I was made to feel broken and unlovable unless I changed who I was, but you can’t blame the naivety of people, only hope to educate them so that they don’t do the same to others.

 

Your Story

Everyone has different experiences of discovery, so why not share your own in the comments below! Or perhaps you have a link to someone else? Either way, we’d love to hear what you have to say!

 

Please keep in mind that this is not an opportunity to invalidate anyone’s identity, and any attempts to do so will simply be quashed.